I’m pretty sure almost everyone has watched YOU. It’s that series about Joe — a guy who thinks he’s unlucky with love 😄. And every time he does something terrible (like murder someone or, you know, something even worse), he flees to a new city, changes his name, and starts over as a completely new person, as if everything he’s done just disappears with his old name and identity.
Crazy, right?
Well… not entirely. Because in a weird way, I actually get it.
Not the murder part though — let’s be clear. I’m not a murderer or a crazy stalker🌚.
But the starting over part? The name changing part? That one, I understand all too well.
At every point in my life, I’ve had different names. Not completely different, but different enough that if I know 100 people, different percentages of those 100 probably know me by different names. And from the name you call me, I can already tell when and where you knew me from.
Let me explain.
When I was born, I was given so many names, right now I can remember at least 8 lol and it’s nothing special. It’s just very common where I’m from, you know every member of the family wants to name the baby and before you know it, the baby has 100 names 😭.
Anyway, my major names were and still is Folashewa and Aishat(the T is silent please🙄) and from what I can recall, the first name I answered to was Shewa, that’s the second half of Folashewa.
My parents, my siblings, my family, everyone at home called me Shewa. So, if you call me Shewa, I already know you know me from my father’s living room. You know me from Baruwaaaa 😂, you know me from home, from childhood.
When I started school however, my mom decided it was best for us to go by a different name outside, so, I started bearing Aishat. If you ask her, she’ll tell you she did it for safety reasons you know, to avoid being kidnapped from school lol. And yeah most people that call me that name probably met me in my school days…… primary, secondary, maybe even university. You know the student phase of my life.
After university, I decided to ‘rename’ myself for the first time and started going by Fola.
I picked Fola because every time I introduced myself as Aishat, people would instantly judge me. For those that don’t know, I grew up Muslim, born into a Muslim family and I was a Muslim for over 20 years before I converted. And because I lived in the North, whenever I said my name was Aishat, people would look me up and down, surprised.
“You don’t look like a Muslim.”
“Ah, you’re one of those ‘Yoruba Muslims’ that don’t cover their hair.”
I hated it. It felt like they were questioning my faith, my relationship with God……like my name automatically boxed me into an identity I didn’t choose.
So, I switched to Fola, it felt neutral.
So yeah, most people who know me as Fola met me in my independent, work…..hustle phase — you know the beginning of my adulthood phase.
I know this post is starting to look like the story of my life, but stay with me please…..I’m getting somewhere 😂
I carried the name Fola until I got married and got pregnant and when I gave birth….I felt the need to shed skin again lol. Around this same time I started creating content on TikTok as well, so I decided to start going by my Oríkì, Abeke. (for those who don’t know, an Oríkì is a Yoruba traditional pet name given by your parents or family, not all Yorubas have one though)
But when I started creating content, I thought “Abeke” sounded too traditional, too long, didn’t quite fit the “content creator aesthetic” 😂 so, I shortened it to Abeks 😌. And again yeah,I already know people that call me this are definitelyyyyyy from TikTok.
Recently though…..I became Beks.
I know, it’s not totally different from Abeks 🙃, but it’s still another shift. Initially, I changed it to sort of hide, but over time, it became more about wanting a fresh start.
You know sometimes when something painful happens, you feel like you just want to remove yourself from everything connected to it, like you want to pick a new name and believe that all the hurt, the shame, the memories, the yamyama tied to your old identity will just vanish away with it? That’s what happened to me.
Now why am I telling you about my name changes?
For the longest time, I’ve struggled with understanding why I always feel the need to change my name, to hide, to disappear….and I never quite understood why until someone asked me this question a few days ago: “What’s your trauma language?”
At first, I was like, “ What’s trauma Language?? I only know Love language me I know and right now it’s money….😂”
I honestly didn’t understand what it meant, so they explained that trauma language is simply how you respond to trauma — what you do when something painful or triggering happens to you.
I told them I didn’t think I had one. But later, I sat with the question, did my research, and reflected — and then it hit me.
I do have a trauma language.
And it is FLIGHT……..yeah, I’m a runner, I’m a trackstar 🏃♀️
When life or situations gets too heavy, I run. I disappear.
I may not have the money or resources to physically move cities like Joe 😭, but emotionally, mentally, I pack my bags and flee. I reinvent myself through new names, new spaces, new versions of me.
That’s my coping mechanism……my way of saying, “That version of me is gone. This is who I am now.”
But the truth? That’s not how healing works.
Before I highlight the moral of this write up, that’s if there is one 😂….let’s talk a bit about trauma languages.
Most people know about love languages, but not many talk about trauma languages.
Your love language is how you give and receive love.
Your trauma language is how you react when you feel pain or danger.
There are four main trauma languages:
- Fight — You feel the need to resist, to defend yourself, to survive by fighting back.
- Flight — You feel the need to escape, to run away in order to survive.
- Fawn — You feel the need to please others to stay safe.
- Freeze — You shut down completely to protect yourself.
Some people have one. Some have two or more.
When something happens, some people fight tooth and nail. Some, like me, run. Some freeze……they can’t function. And some fawn…….they stay in harmful situations and over-please because they believe that’s the only way to survive.
Here’s my point, ever since I learned that my default response is flight, It’s helped me understand myself better….why I do certain things, why I detach, why I reinvent. It has also given me clarity.
Now when I run from something, I can be sure it’s because there’s something questionable about it, something that I probably need to address, pay attention to, be careful of or remove myself from. It’s like my own personal alert or warning sign….this has helped me so much.
Knowing my trauma response has also helped me with healing from things I didn’t even realize I needed to heal from. For so long, I thought changing my name was just a creative choice, or maybe a sign of growth, but honestly it was just me running and the thing about running is you might escape the situation, but you never really escape yourself.
Because when you don’t address the pain, you just pile it up somewhere deep inside. It builds quietly until it becomes too heavy to carry.
Now though, I understand that while It’s okay to run sometimes, eventually, you have to come back. You have to face what happened, you have to let yourself feel it and then you have to fix it.
So if you read to this point, I’m going to ask YOU the same question too, What is your Trauma Language?
With Love,
Beks 💜
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
— Psalm 34:18
Beks Unfiltered 