‘It’s not clickbait lol but it’s a long read, grab a glass!’
A few weeks ago, I wrote a post where I talked about being an angry single mom. I talked about the anger I was carrying, how heavy it felt, how confusing it was, and how hard it has been navigating motherhood alone. After I posted it, I received a lot of messages. So much kindness. So much care. And I want to start by saying thank you to everyone who reached out with love. I truly appreciate it. God bless you.
But alongside the love, I also received questions.
One of them was:
“How did you become a single mom?”
When I first read that question, I didn’t receive it well. If I’m being honest, my immediate reaction was defensive. I read it from a very negative angle. It felt intrusive. Almost like, why would you ask someone that? I sat with that discomfort for a while, and the question kept replaying in my head.
“How does one become a single mom?”
At first, it irritated me. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized something uncomfortable but true; before I became a single mom, I also didn’t really understand what single motherhood meant.
I had a definition in my head….a very limited one. To me, a single mom was someone who got pregnant outside of marriage. That was it. I didn’t even think of widows, how silly of me. And I strongly believed that once you were married and had a child within marriage, single motherhood was no longer something that could happento you.
Life humbled me, lol.
I have now learned that being a single mom simply means being a mother without a partner. It’s not about how you had the child. It’s not about morality or failure or “how things should have gone.” It’s about reality and how you are a single woman mothering maybe alone, with little or a lot of help. So technically it really has less to do with how you became a mom and more to do with your current relationship status, lol. Like you are just a mother that is single – Single Mother.
Today though, I want to answer the question on how I became a single mom and it’s not from a place of anger, but from a place of honesty.
I got married 3 plus years ago, and 2 years in, I got pregnant. At first, I wasn’t 100% sure I wanted children. I had fears. Real fears. I’ve always believed that bringing a child into the world is serious business because you’re not just giving birth, you’re raising a human being who will exist in the world and affect it in some way.
So I worried a lot about whether I would be a good mother. Whether I would raise a good seed. Someone who would add light to the world and not take away from it.
Now before I even got pregnant, I had a dream. In the dream, my daughter came to me. She introduced herself. Told me her name, I told her mine, it felt real in a way I can’t explain and I took this as a go ahead lol, a reassurance — that I didn’t need to be afraid about having children and that I was going to have one. (Incase you’re doubting this, don’t worry I have a date stamped video of me talking about this dream the same day I had it on my YouTube 😄)
Anyway, about 3 months later, I got pregnant. And when I later found out I was having a girl, I wasn’t surprised at all. I already knew duhhh!
You see, pregnancy and childbirth changed me in ways I’m still unpacking. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. It was hard. My pregnancy was rough. My childbirth experience was traumatic. And after giving birth, I struggled deeply. I’ve talked before about postpartum depression, so I won’t dwell too much on that here, but omg it was real, and it was heavy.
Now, the thing is becoming a parent has a way of exposing everything. The cracks you didn’t know were there. The things you avoided. The parts of life that were being held together by routine or distraction and this was my case you know….nothing was soft anymore. Everything felt serious. Demanding. Heavy.
And in the middle of all of this…..early motherhood, emotional exhaustion, isolation — something very difficult and painful happened. I can’t go into details, and I won’t. What I can say though is that it was the kind of situation that required you to make a hard decision, to choose.
This was so overwhelming for me. I would go days without sleeping and even when I slept, it was short and most definitely not peaceful. My body felt the impact and my blood pressure started going up. My mind felt noisy all the time and I was so desperate for rest — not just physical rest, but mental and emotional rest. I wanted peace. I just wanted everything to stop.
And in that state of being constantly tired, confused, hurting….I made a mistake.
I leaned into conversations I shouldn’t have. I mean It didn’t last long and it didn’t even go anywhere, but it happened. And I want to say this clearly….I take responsibility for that. I don’t excuse it. I don’t justify it. I just understand now that it came from a place of wanting comfort, care, wanting to feel seen and most importantly wanting relief & escape from a very heavy reality but then, I do also know that understanding ‘why ‘ doesn’t remove accountability.
At the end of the day though, this mistake didn’t bring me relief neither did it help me escape my reality. Instead it complicated my situation, was used to question my sanity, my character and this added more chaos to my life.
Eventually though, it became clear that I couldn’t keep standing still. I couldn’t keep trying to escape or deny my reality and I needed to do something. I didn’t know what that something was, but I knew I couldn’t continue the way things were.
So I left.
I took my baby and walked out without a plan. I didn’t know what the next step was, and I remember crying so much till I no longer could, I remember being so scared, I remember praying so hard. I sat with God and told Him the truth, I cried to him, I questioned him, I screamed and I begged him. I told him that I didn’t have the clarity, strength, or wisdom to control the outcome anymore, It was beyond me. I wasn’t equipped for this.
That was the moment I surrendered.
And I guess that also answers the question of how I became a single mom.
I didn’t sit down and map out a plan. I didn’t choose it because it was easy or ideal. I became a single mom because that is how my life unfolded. And in my faith, I believe it is the path God allowed for me, even though I fought it for a long time.
I carried shame for longer than I want to admit. Like I hated the label so much. I resisted it. I rejected it, I just didn’t want it to be my story.
But you know, healing changes how you see things.
And clarity softens resistance.
Now why am I sharing this?
I did a deep house cleaning few days back and I found an old journal from 2023. I was reading through it and on one page, I had written:
“There’s a reason you went through that pain. Pass it on.”
It was dated 12th February 2023 and that was the only line I wrote. No story, no explanation, no details. Just a quote and a date. I don’t really remember what I was referring to back then, but reading it now felt like a nudge. Like a reminder that sometimes we don’t understand the purpose of our pain, our experiences until much later, and sometimes, understanding isn’t even the point.
I don’t know who needs this story. I don’t know what it’s meant to do. I don’t even know if it has any impact to make or purpose to achieve. I just know that it felt important to share it honestly, including the parts where I wasn’t perfect.
So If you’ve read this far, thank you. Truly. I hope that, in your own time, even if it’s slow and painful, you’re able to accept your story for what it is. Whether it feels messy, unreal, or deeply painful, I hope you can sit with it, make peace with it, and grow from it. Because it is yours. It’s your journey. It’s your life. And no matter how broken or scattered it may feel, it is still beautiful. It is original. And it is true.
On a lighter note, my 30th birthday was this week and It was so beautiful. Quiet. Full of love. Not what I imagined, but somehow better. I’m deeply grateful to everyone who showed me kindness, sent messages, gave gifts, celebrated with me or simply held space for me.
With love,
Beks 💜
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5–6 (NIV)
Beks Unfiltered 