This is what Healing looks like……

I was supposed to write about myself this week.

In my last post, I mentioned that I was going to write 30 random facts about me, and I actually have that sitting in my drafts. But as usual — as usual — something else came t4ao my mind when it was time to post, and I decided to write about that instead.

For the majority of last year, I went through a very traumatic experience. And one thing I heard repeatedly……I honestly can’t even count how many times was this:

“Time heals.”
“With time, you’ll be healed.”
“With time, you’ll get over it.”
“With time, you’ll be better.”

And for a while, I believed that.

As time passed after everything that happened to me, I genuinely started to feel like I was healing. I thought I was doing okay. I thought I was better. I really believed that time was doing its thing.

But then… close to the end of December, especially after Christmas, and very specifically on December 31st — I had a major breakdown.

I cried so much. And I carried that crying into the new year.

It felt like my wounds were being reopened. Like everything I thought I had healed from was suddenly fresh again. And I remember asking myself, “Time has passed… so why does this hurt more now?”

I didn’t understand it.

But the thing with me is I don’t like to sit in my problems. I like to find solutions. So when I realized this was happening, I decided to actually do something about it.

I noticed that one of my biggest struggles is not being able to ask for help, I realized that when I’m in pain, I go into survival mode and I try to fix everything on my own. I don’t ask for help — I endure.

So I decided to stop doing that.

I decided that if I was struggling, I would open my mouth and ask for help. And even if someone said no, I would move on and ask someone else who could say yes.

So, in my effort to actively seek and receive help…..I started being consistent with therapy. I had done therapy before, but inconsistently. This time, I decided to commit to it. Alongside that, I started intentionally doing other things to support myself emotionally.

Within just a few weeks of actively doing things to support myself, asking for help, showing up to therapy, being intentional…..I started to feel lighter. I felt better.

And then the theory of time healing everything started to sound untrue to me…..

I don’t think time heals or better put….I don’t think Time, by itself, heals.

There’s this illustration a lot of us have probably seen before:
A clear glass cup filled with red wine is placed under a running tap. As the water flows in, the wine slowly flows out, until eventually the cup is filled with clear water.

Most of us interpret that illustration to mean healing requires time.

But I don’t think that’s what it means entirely.

I think what that illustration actually shows is this:
To remove what’s inside the cup, you have to replace it with something else.

The red wine doesn’t disappear because time passes.
It disappears because something else is being poured into the glass, and in this case it’s clean water to replace red wine.

I feel like this is what healing actually is.

Healing is not waiting.
Healing is replacing.

For instance, If you’re healing from heartbreak, you staying single for ten years and hoping the pain disappears is not really going to do much. Instead, replacing that pain with something better like love, safety, reassurance, understanding would do a lot more and time only plays a role in how long it takes for that replacement to happen — not in the healing itself.

Now it makes sense to me why we see so many people walking around carrying trauma from childhood, from past relationships, from old experiences and before I’d look at them and think, “It’s been so long, why aren’t you healed?”

But now It’s not because time didn’t pass.
It’s because nothing replaced the pain.

On the other hand, it also makes sense why it seems like some people heal “quickly” after going through something devastating and, in what seems like a short time, they’re doing better.

From the outside you’d probably think – “That’s too fast. You can’t heal that quickly.”

But the truth is they did heal because they did something about their pain and tended to their wounds.

Healing is like getting a cut. You don’t just leave it exposed and say, “My body will heal.” Yes, your body will heal — but you still clean the wound. You protect it. You make sure it doesn’t get infected.

That’s how I now see trauma.
That’s how I now see healing.

You don’t just wait for time to pass.
You tend to your wounds.

I know this might feel heavy for some people, but it was really on my mind to share. Because I think a lot of us need to hear this: healing is active, not passive.

On a lighter note — it’s my birthday this week.

Yes. I’m still very excited. I’m still very grateful. I’m in a celebratory mood all week. I’m not taking life too seriously right now. I’m playful, happy, and doing the most — because it’s my birthday, and that’s allowed.

And yeah as usual……thank you so much for reading.

With love,
Beks 💜